Posted in Anxiety, Depression

Fighting Sleep Meds

Today I have to wake up early.

My mother wants me and my husband to drive a few hours south with her and her husband this morning so that we can scope out a few campsites and see if the river there has a good swimming location. I’m slightly annoyed because she knew that my sister and I made plans to play Pathfinder (game like Dungeons and Dragons) today. Anyone who has played that type of game knows that you need a few hours to get immersed in it, and we were already short on time because my husband works at 6am tomorrow, so we can’t stay up late into the night. Add on to that, my sister and brother are kate to everything- it’s their thing- so we have to start by 2pm. Which means we won’t start toll 4pm, which lets us play for  3 hours before my husband needs to be in bed for work tomorrow. 

However, telling my mother “No” turns her into a whiny 4 year old and it’s just easier to tell her that we will go earlier, so that we can get back in time for our already scheduled game day. So I’m fighting my sleep medicine, forcing myself to get out of bed. 7:45 has my alarm ringing, and I’ve finally just begun to move off the bed. Ignoring the urge to just hit snooze and embrace sleep. I’m making my way to shower and grab a cup of coffee.
There are worse things I could be doing with my morning than going for a drive in the sun, right?

At least that’s what I keep telling my super annoyed and decaffeinated brain.

Good morning.

Posted in Anxiety, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs- Weight Loss Journey, Day 4

An intervals.

I feel as though you should actually have abs, or have ever had abs in order to do this workout. An important note: neither apply to me. I’m not athletic, I’m just an ordinary extremely overweight man.
All of that being said, Ab Intervals sucks ass. Not in the sense that it was a bad work out, but the sense that it is the most intense experience I’ve ever had. The moves that you have to hold feel like you are holding them for an eternity. During the whole work out you have Sean trying to keep his happy athletic face churning out words of motivation. I don’t know about the rest of You, but all that does is make me want to sit on his face. Especially when he says “Get it Done,” like it’s just THAT simple.

Add on to that, my body is already sore from the previous days, and mentally my brain is arguing with my body. They are constantly debating about whether or not I can do any of the moves or hold them in place. Tanya is my best friend in this workout. I’m 100% positive that if she wasn’t modifying the program for those of us that lack a better health, I’d have given up on day 1.
It frazzled my brain so much that I forgot to take my picture. But I’m just happy that I was able to force myself to do it. My workout buddy wasn’t able to make it to my house today, but she promised to send her sweaty selfie as proof. Hopefully she can meet up with me on Sunday to finish this week strong.

Bring on the final day and the start of week two!

Posted in Anxiety, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, Day 3 Caught up

Earlier today I told myself I’d just make up the missed day this Saturday and Sunday. 

I was sitting there in my computer chair, saw how beautiful it was outside and decided I was going to make up that damn Total Body Circuit and get my ass on track.

How can I say I want to make a change in my life if I’m just going to make excuses? I’m tired of the pity game. I’m tired of giving up. 
I know I’ve said this before but I’m serious. I NEED to change. I can feel my body urging me to get healthy.
So I dug deep. I got it done. I’m a sweaty mess, and the last three minutes of Total Body Circuit had me crying like a baby. I had a panic attack afterwards where I felt like I was doing nothing but crying while gasping for breath, and it took me to a sad place- but then I realized I did it.

I fucking did it.

I know I’ll make a difference in my life because I WANT this. I. 

Nobody is telling me to work out, I’m not just following others this time. I’m doing it. Me.

And here’s the death matt with my sweaty chubby face to prove it.

Posted in Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, Day 3

I can lie and say it was easy. I can lie and say I was motivated to get today’s workout accomplished, but I wasn’t.

I procrastinated, and when my sister called and told me she needed to cancel on today in order to help a friend move, I was more than happy to tell her “ok!”. Then I thought about coming here and letting everyone know about how I let myself  skip another workout. I had already received such nice words from people I hadn’t even know, and the thought that I was going to tell them I had essentially failed to get another one done  got stuck in my brain.

I decided to pop in the disc and get started on the days workouts. Speed 1.0

I started decently strong, but by the time I heard Sean T say there were 10 minutes left, my mood changed entirely. I started to slack and get sluggish, my body was exhausted, and sweat was pouring down my face. I was gasping for air, and then I started to talk to myself like a crazy person. Repeatedly telling myself to keep my arms up, to bring the knees higher, to touch fingers under the crossword.

I found myself cursing Sean and telling him to Fuck Off a few times. It got to the point where I was cursing at my TV whenever he would talk because his voice was grating my brain. I just close my eyes, cursing him and motivating myself through it the best I could and before I knew it we were on the downward dog at the very end. It was done. While I can’t make myself get caught up today because I am physically exhausted, I am going to keep myself accountable. This Saturday – I will make up the missed day for the week and I will not fail at this program.
With our without my sister here, I will complete it. I will get it done. I will Focus.

Although it’s only 25 minutes a day, I highly recommend others try it and see how it makes you feel as though you’ve been plowed into by a 16 wheeler.
It sucks, but I got my daily selfie to prove it. I can do it, even though I can barely keep up with Tanya.
I can get stronger. I can beat this. I can fight my weight and make myself comfortable in my own skin again.

Bring on tomorrow and Ab Intervals.

Posted in Civilization VI - Gorgo

Civilization VI- Gorgo,11

With three separate units of slingers, it wasn’t long until Liverpool was begging me to walk some warriors within the city’s center, and incorporate it into my plans for Amsterdam.

The galley I had sent to London has been firing non stop, but has been damaged during the assault. Therefore, I am going to call for a retreat to do repairs. Being my only one, I would hate for it to be destroyed.

***

Sparta has finally finished training our very first Trading Caravan. I am going to wait for the barbarian menace near Knossos to be dealt with before giving them a destination though. Their safety is important if they are going to positively affect my economy.

I gave then gave the people of Sparta instructions to build a Holy Site under the cover of a nearby mountain range. It feels like a naturally peaceful place where we could be closer to the heavens. A great spot to communicate with our God of the Sea.

***

After walking to the Center of Liverpool, my warriors let the citizens know they now live under my rule. Once taken, I immediately called for a meeting with Victoria. She would be given one chance for peace, or we will advance and take her precious London, and then her life.

Of course the terms would be some of her current treasury and all funds they WOULD have been making, to be given to us for a time. Once she considered it payment for sparing her life, it didn’t seem too much to ask for.

Although she smiled and said I had been “most kind and attentive,” the look on her face filled me with joy as I left the room.

When I saw her face as I was leaving, I told her I’d send a delegation, as payment for her being so understanding in these times. What made it even better? All was covered and paid for with the funds she just agreed to give me.

Liverpool’s order? To build a monument of course.

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Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Failed to Exercise, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, Day 2

This morning I was awoken to a knock at my door.
Not my front door to my house, mind you, but a knock at my bedroom door. Turns out, it was my sister. This was something I hadn’t been prepared for, since it was mine and my husband’s home that we lived in, alone.

She had come in to let me know that my mother had apparently been trying to call me since 6AM, and it was 2 hours of failed calls when she sent my sister to retrieve me. My father was having chest pains and he had to leave the family business to go to the emergency room. He runs a local rubberstamp company, which handles all sorts of self inking/woodmount stamps as well as street signs, endorsement stamps and more. My mother is the front end person, and the person who handles the books, while my father is the one who makes all of the products and cuts the material into specific sizes before using a laser to engrave whatever the customer wanted.

A few months back, before I had started to delve deeper into my depression, he had started showing me the ropes and how to create and manufacture the store’s products. While he was in the emergency room, my mother needed someone else to help fulfill orders because she never learned how to do it herself. They can’t afford customers not getting orders, because this business was how they paid their rent, their livelihood.

Without thinking, or showering, I put on clothes and grabbed my old uniform, while my sister made me a cup of coffee and gave me a ride to drop me off at the store. I spent most of the day doing things my mother was unable to do- go to the bank, drop orders off at the local USPS. Then heading back to the business in an attempt to help out the best I could. When it got a little slower, I took a break to drive down south one city over in order to give my old high school two boxes of books. Our library was also unable to get the funding for more books so they reached out for donations from our community.

Once I dropped them off and got back, we got the notice that my father was apparently healthy. They said his blood had an “oxygen rate of 100%, which was uncommon for life smokers”, and said that he was in great shape, but to follow up with his primary care physician. It made my mother much calmer, but worried me a little because he is the kind of man who has cut off a finger on the saw at the family business and didn’t run to the ER because he’s simply that “tough guy” that doesn’t do that kind of thing.

By the time I had gotten home, my sister, my workout buddy, had already started getting ready to go to her night job. We decided it would be best for the both of us to be held accountable and make tomorrow a double day.

So that’s where we are at, a family health scare and a busy day- but no excuses. We will hold ourselves accountable and do our double day tomorrow.

Be wary T25, we are coming for Speed 1.0 and Total Body Circuit. We will kick its ass, and we will get healthier.

If you’re interested in buying something from my parent’s business to help keep their livelihood secure, feel free to check out what they can do at EurekaRubberStamp.com

Posted in Civilization VI - Gorgo

Civilization VI, Gorgo-10

“War? We are not amused.”

Her words only made me more frustrated. The way she looked at me, the way she looked down at me. I have no remorse for this choice.

Sparta will expand, Liverpool will be mine. I immediately release three slingers attacks in unity upon a group of warriors, and attack Victoria’s slingers with my warriors. I then move another set of slingers behind my warriors, in preparation to defend if they need to retreat.

She strikes back nearly killing off my warriors, but I press on, launching another volley of Rocky hail to decimate her warriors to the east of Liverpool, I send in my now weakened warriors to finish off her slingers, but misjudged how strong her slingers were. They manage to scrape by while my warriors are left to be picked off.
However, she -by the God of the Sea- didn’t finish them off! I call for the immediate retreat of my wounded warriors and continue the assault, advancing with all slingers towards Liverpool!

***

With all but her last group of warriors falling in this next assault, she is retreating! With excitement and victory in sight, I give the command to finish the stragglers and move in on Liverpool while my warriors heal.

***

Meanwhile, Knossos is taking a beating from the barbarian forces assaulting it. The slingers fortified there are unleashing a never ending hail of rocks upon anything still daring to come near. Many have called while trying to take Knossos, but I am confident that my troops to the north will hold.

***

The citizens of Sparta have finished making the first “Galley”, one of many more to claim the seas.

I’ve sent it along the coast to eventually strike London from the ocean. Oh what I would give to see Victoria’s reaction as I strike from the water’s edge!

***

Pericles managed to come by and visit during what little downtime I’ve managed to achieve, asking for my hand in friendship yet again.

I would love nothing more to keep our relationship at its strongest.

As he was leaving, he also thanked me for fulfilling my promise to not settle near him again.

As if I’d risk angering yet another land, Pericles, I’m already fighting three fronts: Barbarians, Amsterdam, AND England!

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Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lb Man Does Calisthenics, T25 – Day 1 – Cardio

It starts off great.

Basically, you pop in the disc and watch as an extremely fit and attractive man smiles and talks you through the movements.

There is a woman to the right on the screen, and her name is Tanya. Tanya is your friend. Tanya does the modified version of the workout. Be like Tanya.

Initially I didn’t think I’d need Tanya’s assistance, but Sean T quickly proved me wrong as every minute went by- the workout ramped up. He called it “building the progression,” I called it “unfair and torture.” I was expecting some sort of beginners disc, or a learning the ropes easy day.

Before I knew it the movement changed and I’m learning a new set, trying to copy what Tanya is doing, and then I hear the group on the tv start cheering as Sean says “we’re going to the burnout.” Basically he takes the hardest set of each move you learned and crunches them together in quick repetition.

He was a monster. An evil, smiling monster. I quickly found solace in mimicking Tanya, sweat pouring down my face, breathing heavily, and praying to myself in repeated whispers, telling myself I could do this.

Before I knew It, we had already done 20 minutes of the workout from hell. I was apparently gasping for breath because my workout buddy was constantly reminding me to breath, and not give in to the panic that she has clearly seen upon my face.

I remember closing my eyes the last thirty seconds, pushing my body- No, willing it to move in tune with Tanya, to finish the workout strong. The second Sean called time, my sister wanted a high five. I clapped a high five, resisting the urge to throw up my morning coffee and grabbed a cup of water as she did the “cooldown” which is essentially 5 more minutes of agony.
I embraced death on my porch but apparently it didn’t hug me back, and my sister caught this photo of us:

She wants to do the next one tomorrow. All I can say is-

Fuck Sean T.

Fuck T25.

It’s hard.”

However, I’m tired of being this overweight, and I NEED to do the program in order to change.

I have to put in the work. I have to.

Posted in Civilization VI - Gorgo

Civilization VI, Gorgo-9

Although we have discovered the wonders of sailing and can build a new “boat”, I was forced to retreat from Amsterdam!

No matter what I do or who I sent to attack, Amsterdam just trains soldiers faster than I can have my forces strike them down!
To make matters worse, that horrible woman Victoria, self proclaimed “Queen” of England, made a new settlement behind my forces while I was distracted, making my only escape route through a barbarian encampment along the coast because she wanted to start enforcing her borders.

Whether or not my brave forces survive this, I will strike Victoria down.

This will not stand!

***

A barbarian scout has found Knossos while I was distracted with Victoria’s transgressions, and has already gone back to their camp. They have sent a barbarian raiding force!

That and Victoria has upped her military force and started marching towards my capital from her newly built city. I know times are going to be tough, and more war is coming downwind. I can almost smell the fresh blood that’s about to be spilled.

***

While I’ve been preparing to face the barbarian assault and the impending war with Victoria, I have managed to meet a man called Pedro, of Brazil. He leads his people, and my first impressions is that he’s a sweet kindhearted man.

I was so taken with him that I’ve invited him to Sparta, for a bit of recreation during this tough time.

I also made sure to send a delegation off with him as he left, to further cement my good intentions with him.

***

Ha! That fool Victoria seems to think we should declare our friendship publicly. I feel as though telling her no would tip my hand of my intent to destroy her, but I have no time to pretend I’m something I’m not!

***

Knossos is holding on with the fortified slingers attacking anything that dare step too close, and I have moved all other troops towards the newly found city, Liverpool, of England. I have turned down her friend request three times now, and as my last slingers gets into position, she thinks to question why my troops are at her border.

SURPRISE VICTORIA!

You have brought down upon you the wrath of Sparta! Feel my boots crush you as I take you down, and then move on to finish what I started with Amsterdam!

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Posted in Anxiety, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

Starting Over, 400lbs. The beginning of my weight loss journey.

I believe I’ve found one source of my anxiety. Something that contributes to my fear of being around others and my fear of being inadequate. 

Even talking about it causes my heart to flutter with that fear filled sensation. Weight. 

I don’t mean for this to become a post bashing those who are overweight, or to out down anyone else for their body image. All of my thoughts about weight are meant to be all about me and my personal experience.

I’m unhealthy. I don’t exercise. I hate being around others. I make excuses to not leave the house out of fear. Which again, perpetuates my lack of exercising and weight gain.

I recently got on the scale and saw it read 403 pounds. That’s the weight of three people. I just can’t keep gaining weight and doing nothing about it, especially when being overweight hits my mental health on the daily.

Today marks the start of a new program. My sister and I are going to start T25. It’s a program crated by Sean T, and the best part is that I can do it in my living room. I have a workout buddy to hold me accountable, but I’m posting this here in hopes that maybebothers can help keep me motivated and accountable.
I know it’s going to be hard. I know I’m going to break down, and want to stop. I need the motivation from others to overcome my brain’s natural attempt to give up and make excuses.

My hope is that by the end of the program I’ll have started losing Weight, doing the 25 minutes of intense calisthenics workouts daily. I’ve seen the results come and the healthy change in others lives who have blasted through this program. 
I can do this, but I need to focus on one step at a time. Day by day.