Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Memories, My Dogs

My Best Friend Died Today

When I told him I was gay, he just looked at me without saying anything, kissed me, and loved me anyways.

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When my mom’s boyfriend was abusive, he listened as I told him how scared I was.

When I wanted to lounge around and watch cartoons, he lounged right beside me.

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When I went to the bathroom, he would follow me to the door.

When I went to bed, he would sleep at the foot of it.

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When I was scared of the thunder, he made me less scared, by showing me that he was MORE scared which curbed my fear.

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When I had spare burgers, fries, cake, cookies, or donuts- he was always down to be my garbage disposal.

When I forgot to take out the trash, he would knock it over to remind me.

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When the food bowl was empty, he would headbutt it until more food came down, or until someone filled it.

When he would come inside from the backyard, EVERY TIME, he would stop at the food bowl and eat a meal for two.

When I moved out on my own for the first time he made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

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When we got Chance, he became the big brother, and wrestled with the chihuahua.

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When we got Kira, he would let her win at tug o war, ever since she was a puppy and half his size.

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When we got Brodie, he found someone to groom and chew on.

When I would grab his green squeaky ball, he would hide his aches and pains, and somehow always manage to turn into a puppy again.

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Even this morning, as he went about his business in the front yard, he looked youthful.

My Best Friend Died of Cancer. Diagnosed and euthanized at Ferndale Veterinary.

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I held his head as he fell asleep. As he went peacefully, never showing me once that he was in pain.

I’m heartbroken.

I still expect to hear him bark obnoxiously when I come home.

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I expect him to rally the rest of the pack when when he hears a car door open or close in the neighborhood.

I want to hold him again. To go on one more walk. To order him one more plate of nachos from Peppers.

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12 years seems like a long time. And I know I should be grateful to have had our bond last as long as it did.

But this effing sucks. My heart is broken. I feel like I’m in a dream.

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I don’t share this publicly for pity, likes or views.

I want to share this as a notice that I’m going off socials for a few days to get my head clear.

I share this as a reminder to cherish your pets like it’s their last.
Two days ago he was begging for food at Sunday Dinner and begging his grandpa for treats.
Today- Poof.

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The house feels empty without him.

If you are out there buddy. Rolo. I love you. So much. I miss you.

You will always- ALWAYS:

Be loved by your three siblings.

Be loved by your aunt Natasha and uncle Preston.

Be loved by GG, Grandma, and Grandpa.

Be loved by both of your daddies.

Be my best friend.

Thank you for watching over me for 12 amazing years.

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Posted in Movie Reviews

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

Synopsis:

Maze Runner: The Death Cure (also known simply as The Death Cure) is a 2018 American dystopian science fiction action film directed by Wes Ball and written by T.S. Nowlin, based on the novel The Death Cure written by James Dashner. It is the sequel to the 2015 film Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials and the third and final installment in the Maze Runner film series. The film stars Dylan O’Brien, Kaya Scodelario, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Dexter Darden, Nathalie Emmanuel, Giancarlo Esposito, Aidan Gillen, Walton Goggins, Ki Hong Lee, Jacob Lofland, Katherine McNamara, Barry Pepper, Will Poulter, Rosa Salazar, and Patricia Clarkson.

Things We Liked:

The Zombies/Cranks. The kickass female who seemed to like Thomas and save him a few times because he’s a buffoon who makes horrible decisions.

Things We Disliked:

Just about everything in this movie annoyed us. Full Disclosure: We had never heard of the maze runner series until this film but as the movie started, we quickly figured out that it was part of a series in the way they quickly glossed over a huge variety of characters in a matter of seconds.

Our impression of the series based on this film? Garbage.

Every single thing in the movie felt completely predictable, and it wasn’t even the start to a series. We felt as though we’d known all the characters in the film, not because of how relatable they were, rather that they were completely stereotypical and…you guessed it- predictable.

This movie was so cliche that it even tried to do the final kiss scene before something horrible happened with a declaration of love.

That’s just about EVERYWHERE.

The whole film felt like it dragged on and on, and to be completely honest, we were both willing to leave before the halfway mark- because we could’ve guessed the whole film from the first 10 minutes in. We sat in our chairs, squirming like children who had to pee determined to watch the whole thing in hopes something would happen to redeem itself.

Recommendation:

Save your money. Unless you somehow got wound up in the first few installments- this film will bore the hell out of you.

Ratings:

Myself:

2/10- I hated just about everything in this movie. The horrible acting, the inability to remember character names because they were forgettable, and the decisions made by “important” characters that felt like any individual with common sense could’ve done better.

Husband:

0/10- I wanted to leave. I never want to leave movies. The only thing I can say about the movie: Queso. Cheese. The one liners were cheesy. The “military” guy who kept telling everybody “down” and clicked his gun before going in after people. The way they talked to each other even seemed forced and just-long. Most sequels make me want to go back and start from the beginning to know what’s going on. This didn’t happen here. It was-bad.

Posted in Drama, Movie Reviews

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Synopsis:

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri is a 2017 drama film written, produced, and directed by Martin McDonagh. It stars Frances McDormand, Woody Harrelson, and Sam Rockwell. McDormand plays a mother who rents three billboards to call attention to her daughter’s unsolved murder.

Things We Liked:

To start, the main character. I found her wit and humor that she was managing to bring out in spite of the horrible murder of her daughter refreshing. This protagonist takes shit from nobody and calls it like it is. Whether she is ready to beat up mouthy teenagers, a priest, or a police officer- she pulls no punches and demands answers. Not a lot of female characters get portrayed as a strong woman able to strike fear into the hearts of the ignorant, and again- we fell in love with her.

The relationship of the protagonist’s family felt like a really great portrayal of a dysfunctional American family. The part where you just fucking hate them so much, yet love them to pieces at the same exact time because they are the only ones who really get you. It made us feel a stronger connection, and it made us feel their pain on a deeper level than most movies could.

Things We Disliked:

For us, the things we disliked- were the ending- no spoilers- and some of the police officers in the film. Which- just goes to show how well the acting was, in order for them to get under our skin as much as they did.

Recommendation:

If you can stomach a rather disappointing ending, and would want to watch something that’s going to make you ride the ups and downs of the emotional rollercoaster, this film is for you.

This made us sad, and for nearly 90% of the Movie- we were giggling at the actors for their back and forth banter that seemed to not be forced like some other Drama’s do.

Ratings:

Myself:

8/10 – There were definitely some parts of the Movie that I felt dragged on longer than I wanted- due to a lack of character building for the unimportant characters and how much screen time they received despite that, but the most obnoxious thing for me was the ending. I wanted more. The whole movie had me giggling and feeling all of the feels until the end- where it flatlined.

Husband:

9/10 – While I loved the film, the ending ruined what I was picturing in my mind and I was left wanting more finality. Something that left it in a neat bow or something. Other than that- great film.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Husband's Motivation, Personal Accountability

Free Movies and Date Nights │ You’re Welcome

Hey all!

My mother has been bugging me for the past few weeks about signing up for this app called MoviePass. She read online that it was a super cheap way for us to go to the movies together, and since I budget our finances, she thought it would be a good way for us to relieve some stress after a long day or even get together as a family on the weekends for a flick.

Basically, you pay $9.99 for a month in a subscription. In return you get to watch “unlimited” movies at the Theatre.

Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, kinda yes, mostly no.

Basically you sign up with an email address or with your Facebook account, once registered you can enter a credit/debit card for a $9.99USD fee for a thirty day subscription. While you are a member of MoviePass, you can go see movies on their dime.

However, upon registering- you have to wait up to two weeks for a “credit card” to be mailed to your address. You then register the last 4 digits of your card to your account. This is where the rules come into play.

1) You must have a smart device or tablet that has GPS capabilities. The only way to access your account is through the app on your device. The only way to check in to movies is through the app. The kicker: you MUST be within 100 yards of the Theatre at the time of check in.

(This can be a con for those who don’t have a decent data connection/plan)

 

2) Once checked in to a movie/time that you chose, you then have a 30 minute window to swipe your card, and MoviePass picks up the cost of the ticket. Whether it is a matinee, or late night/full price showing.

 

3) The MoviePass card does not cover concessions- No popcorn/drinks/food of any kind.

 

4) You CANNOT see more than one movie a day, or (they may have changed this recently) see the same movie twice.

 

5) The movies CANNOT be in 3d. They have to be a standard 2D flick.

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   All of that being said, if you can follow the rules, you can see whatever movie you want, at whatever time, on the dime of MoviePass. I don’t know about you but a matinee showing of any movie where I live is $7.50. After 3PM the cost shoots up to $12. So essentially one movie in a month and you paid for your subscription.

Because of this app, my husband and I have been to the movies together more in the past few days than we have during our entire relationship together.
An added bonus? Our Theatre has a rewards card, where you get 1 point for every dollar you spend on concessions or tickets. This means that every day that we go to the movies we get a minimum of 14 points. EVERY time. Those points can be used on free popcorn or drinks, which when you use your rewards card for those, adds even more points.

Our first movie we went to go see? 12 Strong- an army movie based on a true story. I never would have agreed to go watch something like that with my husband, but gave in due to my desire to test the app out. This is where we signed up for a rewards card, got two tickets for the film, and then paid .75 cents for a large popcorn with the points we earned.
Our first movie date cost us $4 because we also split a large soda.

 

The very next day, we went back to the Theatre and saw The Shape of Water. A romance movie that my husband would usually never watch with me, but again – the movie was free, so what’s a few hours? We ended up loving the movie and splitting a large popcorn and drink.

Today? We went back to watch Call Me By Your Name.

We find ourselves actually watching trailers to movies during the previews and going : “Let’s come back and watch that”. We look forward to our daily movie dates. The best part is that the app is easy to use and every movie we see past the first one, costs us nothing unless we want a soda or snack.

Tomorrow we are going to watch Winchester. The day after? Black Panther.

The movies are our oyster, so to speak.

Additionally, on Valentines Day yesterday evening, their app was bugging out and we couldn’t check into the movies. While that may seem like a bad thing- I tweeted the company pointing out the problem and they responded immediately apologizing for the influx of customers bogging down their servers.
They stated that if we are subscribers (which we are) and we ever have to pay out of pocket for one of our tickets, we can DM them a copy of our ticket/receipt and they will reimburse us.

I don’t know how this company is making their money but good golly, I can’t recommend this app more. I urge you to get it, give it a fair shake for one month, and let me know what you think.

Going daily for a few hours with my husband has totally upped both of our moods, and I hope it does the same for you as well!

Posted in Uncategorized

Lap Dog – Saint Bernard

Wonder if the dogs sense something in the force.
They’ve wanted to just snuggle on me all day.

Brodie won’t get off my lap today!

Other than snuggling animals all day, it’s a beautiful freaking day outside!

My husband has been working 6 days a week since October of last year and FINALLY has a 5 day vacation starting this Thursday.

Hoping we can take the dogs to the beach or have some date nights!

Posted in Anxiety, Depression

Music Therapy │ Overcoming Depression

After talking to my therapist more and more, I have come to enjoy the smaller things in life.

I know that seems really simple and ridiculous to say such a basic thing about depression, but I can’t stress enough how the small things in your life can really make a difference in your every day struggle.

One of the things that helps me tremendously is a subscription to Spotify. (You can get a free account, just deal with ads and it’s still amazing.)

I wake up and do my business around the house listening to my favorite songs every day. Whenever I hear a new song on the radio in the car or over at a friends house that intrigues me, I throw it on my Lifetime Playlist. Bands that come to mind from high school that still make me smile or songs that are linked to happy occasions get thrown on there.

It has become this haven of happy groove tunes that almost never fails to put a smile on my face. Music can take me from a depressed start in my morning to a somewhat energetic evening without the help of caffeine.

I find myself doing things before that I thought were too stressful. Things that I previously deemed “difficult” that people without depression are able to do so easily: Dishes, Laundry, etc.

While a simple thing, I thought I would share for those who are also struggling to battle depression. Hopefully it helps you as much as it does me.

Also- if you are a pop music lover, throw it on shuffle and enjoy.

Spotify Link- Lifetime Playlist

Posted in Anxiety, Depression

A Helping Hand │ Household Gadgets and Mental Illness

Personally, I struggle with a lot mentally. I hate being around people I do not know because my brain goes into overdrive about all the different ways a conversation can go south and I start to panic and wonder how I could say the wrong things to make another person frustrated or dislike me, all at a glance before any words are stated by either of us.

I struggle with memory and I know I get distracted easily. I often walk into another room forgetting why I was there, and I also forget things my husband and I may have discussed a few days ago. I forget tings we desperately needed at home when I go to the store and end up frustrated with myself because it should’ve been something easy to remember.

However, with all that being said- there are a few things that I have been fortunate enough to get, that help me immensely around the house. It may seem like little things, but these little things really change a lot for me to have to worry about, and enable me to focus on the important things, like my health and mental well being.

1) Vacuuming

I know plenty of couples who argue or make comments towards one another involving basic household duties. Things as simple as vacuuming can be rather tedious when you have pets, and when you are like us and have two furry Saint Bernards, it is a constant battle between you and the dormant dog hair. Fortunately, we had a 50% off coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond and threw the Irobot’s Roomba model 980 on a credit card. This little robot, which we have named Gizmo, zooms around the house cleaning up dog fur relatively quietly. We even downloaded an app on our phones called IFTTT, which stands for “IF This Then That”. This app makes it so that when we say “Hey Google, the floor is dirty,” our Google Home responds with, “Starting you robot Gizmo now”. The little robot activates and vacuums the whole house. We don’t spend 30 minutes a day vacuuming the entire house anymore, and to those of you who clean your house often, you know how obnoxious and stressful it can be, especially when you have to move kitchen chairs, pets, and more around. I no longer feel the dread when I wake up knowing that I will have to spend anywhere between a half an hour to a full hour fighting to keep the house in a decent state of appeal.

2) Medication

If you are like me and have memory issues, you constantly forget to take your meds. There are days where you feel completely normal and as a normal person, you don’t remember that you need to take medication to handle your crazy. To counteract this, I merely told my phone, “Ok Google, remind me everyday at noon to take my medication.”
Every day, if I am at the house, my google home flashes at me and tells me to take my meds. If I am out and about I receive a notification on my phone reminding me as well. It has become second nature to see a notification and then go, “oh yeah” and run off to snag a few pills, pop them, and go about the rest of my day.

3) Shopping

For the things I need constantly, like Dog Food for instance, I head to a website that enables automatic shipping (Chewy.com). I attach a debit or credit card to the order, and every month 80-120lbs of dog food appears on my doorstep. Bimonthly, I receive the flea medicine in my mailbox for our pets. I don’t have to go to the store, deal with anxiety for being in public, or deal with anyone having a bad day to trigger my mental issues. I simply go to our front door, and bring the necessities inside.

For things that I have had to get more regularly, such as groceries or toiletries, I have my google assistant on my phone keep a running list for the month of what I want. I can say, “OK Google, add (Anything I have to shop for) to the grocery list.” The assistant says okay, adds it to a list, and once a month I head to the store to do all of my grocery shopping/household item shopping. I don’t have to worry about if I forgot anything. The only thing I have to do is hunt for the best deals around the grocery store, going down the list one by one until everything is checked off. For things I was not able to find, I can ask the assistant to order from various stores online via my voice when I get home.

 

These things may seem like a simple task for many people, but for myself: It simply isn’t. I use the google assistant app on my phone often enough, to where it has become a lifesaver. I save so much time that I wasted before sitting down to write lists, or deal with grumpy people, that I now get to focus on things that make me happier like playing with my pets or doing Yoga. We have so much free time due to all of the shopping and most of the household chores being automated, that we spend more time with our parents at movie nights, or together as game nights. We even started having nieces and nephews stay over for the weekends more often and as a result have a much better relationship with them.
Hell, weekends are easy because we can simply tell our google assistant to turn on a movie in the living room after popping some popcorn and just relax with one another.

I know this seems like a random set of things to share- but these changes in my life have definitely made a positive change in regards to handling my mental illness, so I figured it could possibly help someone else.
I hope you have a fantastic day! 🙂

Google Home, Google Chromecast, Google Assistant App, Roomba 980

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Accountability

Life Update │ January 17th │ Medication

It’s been a while since I have done a personal update. I have been sticking to yoga nearly every single day, and even though the holidays and the food that came with it was setting me back mentally and physically, my doctor reported I still lost three pounds from the last time I weighed in before the holidays.

I wanted to take a second to do an update because I want to publicly let everyone know that my husband and I have finished all the paperwork and licensing to become registered foster parents. Regardless of what you feel about the system, we have a home, with a spare room, that is available for a child in need. We are looking for a child who has had their parents rights terminated due to a bad situation and are wanting to adopt/add to our family. We have the finances and the love in our hearts to take a kiddo into our home. I hope to hear good news from our social worker in the future, and would love to keep you all posted if you let me.

Next, I have been gaming regularly with family and friends, which has totally helped my mental state feel a lot less destructive. Added on to that, my doctor has bumped up my medication to 200mg a day of Zoloft. While medicine/pills may not be the answer for everyone, I can say that it has helped me overcome so much in my life. I haven’t had to experience those suicidal thoughts since getting into therapy and treated with medication. This treatment allows me to improve myself physically, mentally, and feeling comfortable in pursuing a family of our own.

I cannot stress enough how suicidal thoughts are not okay. It is not okay for you to have to go through something like that, and you need to know that you are not alone. I urge you to get the help you need, whether it’s reaching out to me over the internet, or to a suicide hotline, or to seek therapy.
Mental illness is a real and damaging situation to go through, and again: You Matter, so please get the help you need.

Posted in Dead By Daylight, Heroes of the Storm

Teabagging Got You Where Exactly? / Heroes of the Storm Support #2 Kharazim

I don’t understand why survivors want to teabag and be jerkwads. Like- if you outplay someone, isn’t it enough to know that you were better? Why add insult to injury?
Especially in this case when you clearly lost….

 

Another heroes of the storm match as a different support: Kharazim. He is definitely one of my favorite supports if I time his ultimates right. He can have a never ending supply of mana and great escape/engage!

Posted in Civilization VI, Dead By Daylight

Ragequitting the New Wraith / Civilization VI Let’s Play Nubia #6

Ragequitting the New Wraith

I will never understand why players disconnect from a game. The only person that inconveniences is them. Killers get a guaranteed pip, survivors still get bloodpoints for escaping…. It’s just a really shitty thing people in this community do when they lose and it’s sad. Hopefully they all get banned one day.

 

Civilization VI Let’s Play Nubia #6

Multiple wars while attempting to stick to my religion game. Jadwiga is my home girl!