Posted in Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

Stomachs Better- Prepare for T25!

My stomach finally feels like it isn’t trying to kill me. My body has finally passed the phase where that burger of death was causing me to be so gosh darn sick.

So what am I going to do? 

Today I’m getting in my car and driving to local camping spots with my mother. I’m gonna help her find a few spots so hopefully we find something we like for when we go on the 19th and 20th 🙂

Something with a decent amount of privacy, access to a swimming hole, and that you don’t easily hear the highway right around the corner.

Tomorrow I start back T25. From there I’ll be staying away from any and all food that isn’t made from my own kitchen.

There is no way I’m allowing myself to get that sick again. Just the thought of a burger makes me want to run towards the bathroom and puke up everything I have.
So for now, Good Morning, and I hope you’re having a fantastic day!

Posted in Anxiety, Failed to Exercise, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

McDonalds Food Poisoning and New Homeowner Questions

So as an update: (possibly gross TMI- you’ve been warned)

I decided to get McDonald’s the other night, a double cheeseburger fries and a coke. A “treat,” I told myself, for adulting so well and being on top of bills/exercise.
I then spent the next two days constantly running to the bathroom to explode and be sick out of both ends. Getting very little sleep with my stomach in knots, as my body rejected that meal and punished me for two days.
My husband believes that it’s because I haven’t eaten fast food in forever, and have been eating healthy foods regularly, my mother thinks it was food poisoning.
Regardless- it was an event in my life that has officially killed any burger joints for me. The thought of them makes me sick.

I got so dizzy, I literally passed out on the bathroom floor at 430 in the morning.

Never. I’m never. Eating that crap again.

Needless to say I haven’t done T25, and I’ll be picking up on Monday when my body is not trying to kill me.

Which brings me to my second half of this post

Homeowners- I have a few questions if you’d care to lay down some wisdom.
When does paying your mortgage become less of a burden?

When do mortgage insurance premiums go away?

When did you first refinance your home and why?
We aren’t behind by any means but if just the MIP (over $200 a month) were out of the way, we’d be able to consider building an actual family.
Any insight/advice you have to preemptively help us would be appreciated.

Posted in Husband's Motivation, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

*Outside* 400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, “Day 5”

The old me wouldn’t have considered going hiking. The old me would’ve been much happier to sit at home with a box of donuts and veg while playing video games. To sit in the dark man cave that is our house behind black out curtains so there was no glare on our computer screens.

Today, the new me struck through. The new me grabbed my cellphone and my Husband, to go down south and go hiking. 

As in: actual walking and jogging up and down mountain trails.

We walked and jogged so high, that I got so proud of myself and took a picture for me to remember that moment. Of what it felt like to be different. Granted, it was hard work, I was hitching a quarter of the way and gasping for air the other three quarters, but I did it. I overcamethe pain in my right knee where I snapped my ligament over my kneecap just 1 year ago.

I spent quality time with my husband hiking, while hatching some eggs in Pokemon Go.

It’s a milestone for me personally. Although it wasn’t T25’s originally planned exercise, calisthenics has nothing on what it felt like pushing my fat ass up the mountainside.
It. Was. Glorious.

I only wish the picture did it justice.

Posted in Anxiety, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs- Weight Loss Journey, Day 4

An intervals.

I feel as though you should actually have abs, or have ever had abs in order to do this workout. An important note: neither apply to me. I’m not athletic, I’m just an ordinary extremely overweight man.
All of that being said, Ab Intervals sucks ass. Not in the sense that it was a bad work out, but the sense that it is the most intense experience I’ve ever had. The moves that you have to hold feel like you are holding them for an eternity. During the whole work out you have Sean trying to keep his happy athletic face churning out words of motivation. I don’t know about the rest of You, but all that does is make me want to sit on his face. Especially when he says “Get it Done,” like it’s just THAT simple.

Add on to that, my body is already sore from the previous days, and mentally my brain is arguing with my body. They are constantly debating about whether or not I can do any of the moves or hold them in place. Tanya is my best friend in this workout. I’m 100% positive that if she wasn’t modifying the program for those of us that lack a better health, I’d have given up on day 1.
It frazzled my brain so much that I forgot to take my picture. But I’m just happy that I was able to force myself to do it. My workout buddy wasn’t able to make it to my house today, but she promised to send her sweaty selfie as proof. Hopefully she can meet up with me on Sunday to finish this week strong.

Bring on the final day and the start of week two!

Posted in Anxiety, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, Day 3 Caught up

Earlier today I told myself I’d just make up the missed day this Saturday and Sunday. 

I was sitting there in my computer chair, saw how beautiful it was outside and decided I was going to make up that damn Total Body Circuit and get my ass on track.

How can I say I want to make a change in my life if I’m just going to make excuses? I’m tired of the pity game. I’m tired of giving up. 
I know I’ve said this before but I’m serious. I NEED to change. I can feel my body urging me to get healthy.
So I dug deep. I got it done. I’m a sweaty mess, and the last three minutes of Total Body Circuit had me crying like a baby. I had a panic attack afterwards where I felt like I was doing nothing but crying while gasping for breath, and it took me to a sad place- but then I realized I did it.

I fucking did it.

I know I’ll make a difference in my life because I WANT this. I. 

Nobody is telling me to work out, I’m not just following others this time. I’m doing it. Me.

And here’s the death matt with my sweaty chubby face to prove it.

Posted in Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, Day 3

I can lie and say it was easy. I can lie and say I was motivated to get today’s workout accomplished, but I wasn’t.

I procrastinated, and when my sister called and told me she needed to cancel on today in order to help a friend move, I was more than happy to tell her “ok!”. Then I thought about coming here and letting everyone know about how I let myself  skip another workout. I had already received such nice words from people I hadn’t even know, and the thought that I was going to tell them I had essentially failed to get another one done  got stuck in my brain.

I decided to pop in the disc and get started on the days workouts. Speed 1.0

I started decently strong, but by the time I heard Sean T say there were 10 minutes left, my mood changed entirely. I started to slack and get sluggish, my body was exhausted, and sweat was pouring down my face. I was gasping for air, and then I started to talk to myself like a crazy person. Repeatedly telling myself to keep my arms up, to bring the knees higher, to touch fingers under the crossword.

I found myself cursing Sean and telling him to Fuck Off a few times. It got to the point where I was cursing at my TV whenever he would talk because his voice was grating my brain. I just close my eyes, cursing him and motivating myself through it the best I could and before I knew it we were on the downward dog at the very end. It was done. While I can’t make myself get caught up today because I am physically exhausted, I am going to keep myself accountable. This Saturday – I will make up the missed day for the week and I will not fail at this program.
With our without my sister here, I will complete it. I will get it done. I will Focus.

Although it’s only 25 minutes a day, I highly recommend others try it and see how it makes you feel as though you’ve been plowed into by a 16 wheeler.
It sucks, but I got my daily selfie to prove it. I can do it, even though I can barely keep up with Tanya.
I can get stronger. I can beat this. I can fight my weight and make myself comfortable in my own skin again.

Bring on tomorrow and Ab Intervals.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lb Man Does Calisthenics, T25 – Day 1 – Cardio

It starts off great.

Basically, you pop in the disc and watch as an extremely fit and attractive man smiles and talks you through the movements.

There is a woman to the right on the screen, and her name is Tanya. Tanya is your friend. Tanya does the modified version of the workout. Be like Tanya.

Initially I didn’t think I’d need Tanya’s assistance, but Sean T quickly proved me wrong as every minute went by- the workout ramped up. He called it “building the progression,” I called it “unfair and torture.” I was expecting some sort of beginners disc, or a learning the ropes easy day.

Before I knew it the movement changed and I’m learning a new set, trying to copy what Tanya is doing, and then I hear the group on the tv start cheering as Sean says “we’re going to the burnout.” Basically he takes the hardest set of each move you learned and crunches them together in quick repetition.

He was a monster. An evil, smiling monster. I quickly found solace in mimicking Tanya, sweat pouring down my face, breathing heavily, and praying to myself in repeated whispers, telling myself I could do this.

Before I knew It, we had already done 20 minutes of the workout from hell. I was apparently gasping for breath because my workout buddy was constantly reminding me to breath, and not give in to the panic that she has clearly seen upon my face.

I remember closing my eyes the last thirty seconds, pushing my body- No, willing it to move in tune with Tanya, to finish the workout strong. The second Sean called time, my sister wanted a high five. I clapped a high five, resisting the urge to throw up my morning coffee and grabbed a cup of water as she did the “cooldown” which is essentially 5 more minutes of agony.
I embraced death on my porch but apparently it didn’t hug me back, and my sister caught this photo of us:

She wants to do the next one tomorrow. All I can say is-

Fuck Sean T.

Fuck T25.

It’s hard.”

However, I’m tired of being this overweight, and I NEED to do the program in order to change.

I have to put in the work. I have to.

Posted in Anxiety, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

Starting Over, 400lbs. The beginning of my weight loss journey.

I believe I’ve found one source of my anxiety. Something that contributes to my fear of being around others and my fear of being inadequate. 

Even talking about it causes my heart to flutter with that fear filled sensation. Weight. 

I don’t mean for this to become a post bashing those who are overweight, or to out down anyone else for their body image. All of my thoughts about weight are meant to be all about me and my personal experience.

I’m unhealthy. I don’t exercise. I hate being around others. I make excuses to not leave the house out of fear. Which again, perpetuates my lack of exercising and weight gain.

I recently got on the scale and saw it read 403 pounds. That’s the weight of three people. I just can’t keep gaining weight and doing nothing about it, especially when being overweight hits my mental health on the daily.

Today marks the start of a new program. My sister and I are going to start T25. It’s a program crated by Sean T, and the best part is that I can do it in my living room. I have a workout buddy to hold me accountable, but I’m posting this here in hopes that maybebothers can help keep me motivated and accountable.
I know it’s going to be hard. I know I’m going to break down, and want to stop. I need the motivation from others to overcome my brain’s natural attempt to give up and make excuses.

My hope is that by the end of the program I’ll have started losing Weight, doing the 25 minutes of intense calisthenics workouts daily. I’ve seen the results come and the healthy change in others lives who have blasted through this program. 
I can do this, but I need to focus on one step at a time. Day by day. 

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Accountability

“No News is Good News” is what they say

Or something like that, right?
Today was a good day. I went out for a drive with my husband, ran a couple of errands, and hung out with our dogs.
We even went to our mothers house to have dinner with our dad, sister and brother. We made build your own nachos, talked around the table about random stuff, and after dinner-played dominos. 

The game was called “Chickenfoot” I believe and the idea was that you play dominos like normal but when someone plays a double, you had to have the next three dominos play off of the said double, if you can’t play-draw a domino and pass. First one to go out wins the round. Add up points on your dominos when someone goes out- loser has the most points. Additional rounds, with keeping score, are added to each previous total.
Needless to say I lost. But I had fun. I had some genuine laughs and the day didn’t feel like I was fighting that mental battle against myself.
It seems like something so simple to people who haven’t met that dark shadow of doubt and depression, but to people like us- it’s what motivates you to try again the next day. 

It’s what makes you grit your teeth and bear the pain of a down day, in hopes the next one is considered an “up day”.

So, I’m going to bed, prepared for either. An up day, or a down day.


Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Accountability

Advice for Depression (Unusual)

Yesterday, one of my Facebook friend posted that they were fearful of opening up. That recently they’ve felt like a bad parent and essentially a slob that ate too much and isn’t working out.

All I saw were people trying to point out the good things in their life and it just bothered me.

Below is my reply, and I hope it helps others as she’s claimed it’s helped her.

I don’t know. 

I deal with this kind of crap often. I can lie and say that it gets easier. I can say that you’re not a bad mother and that you’re fabulous and yada yada yada.

The only thing I’m going to say is it sucks, I go through it too., and You aren’t alone. I know I hate it when people tell me “look on the bright side”, etc. “But you have a beautiful husband, family, blah blah blah”. 

That doesn’t change the fact that you feel this way. 

I’d just like to ask you to find the root cause. 

Mine is my weight and feeling invalid and alone. Having my daily workout buddy, Natasha, pushes that fear back and makes me feel like I can breathe again.

It’s hard to talk about it because you’ll have those people telling you to just be happy, and to just buck up. Grow a spine, have tougher skin.

Not many people will tell you to fester in it. Bathe in it until you find out what the cause is. Then take it one step at a time to cleanse it. One step. One day. At a time.

I know that anything other than those baby steps just makes it worse for me.