Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Husband's Motivation, Personal Accountability

Free Movies and Date Nights │ You’re Welcome

Hey all!

My mother has been bugging me for the past few weeks about signing up for this app called MoviePass. She read online that it was a super cheap way for us to go to the movies together, and since I budget our finances, she thought it would be a good way for us to relieve some stress after a long day or even get together as a family on the weekends for a flick.

Basically, you pay $9.99 for a month in a subscription. In return you get to watch “unlimited” movies at the Theatre.

Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, kinda yes, mostly no.

Basically you sign up with an email address or with your Facebook account, once registered you can enter a credit/debit card for a $9.99USD fee for a thirty day subscription. While you are a member of MoviePass, you can go see movies on their dime.

However, upon registering- you have to wait up to two weeks for a “credit card” to be mailed to your address. You then register the last 4 digits of your card to your account. This is where the rules come into play.

1) You must have a smart device or tablet that has GPS capabilities. The only way to access your account is through the app on your device. The only way to check in to movies is through the app. The kicker: you MUST be within 100 yards of the Theatre at the time of check in.

(This can be a con for those who don’t have a decent data connection/plan)


2) Once checked in to a movie/time that you chose, you then have a 30 minute window to swipe your card, and MoviePass picks up the cost of the ticket. Whether it is a matinee, or late night/full price showing.


3) The MoviePass card does not cover concessions- No popcorn/drinks/food of any kind.


4) You CANNOT see more than one movie a day, or (they may have changed this recently) see the same movie twice.


5) The movies CANNOT be in 3d. They have to be a standard 2D flick.


   All of that being said, if you can follow the rules, you can see whatever movie you want, at whatever time, on the dime of MoviePass. I don’t know about you but a matinee showing of any movie where I live is $7.50. After 3PM the cost shoots up to $12. So essentially one movie in a month and you paid for your subscription.

Because of this app, my husband and I have been to the movies together more in the past few days than we have during our entire relationship together.
An added bonus? Our Theatre has a rewards card, where you get 1 point for every dollar you spend on concessions or tickets. This means that every day that we go to the movies we get a minimum of 14 points. EVERY time. Those points can be used on free popcorn or drinks, which when you use your rewards card for those, adds even more points.

Our first movie we went to go see? 12 Strong- an army movie based on a true story. I never would have agreed to go watch something like that with my husband, but gave in due to my desire to test the app out. This is where we signed up for a rewards card, got two tickets for the film, and then paid .75 cents for a large popcorn with the points we earned.
Our first movie date cost us $4 because we also split a large soda.


The very next day, we went back to the Theatre and saw The Shape of Water. A romance movie that my husband would usually never watch with me, but again – the movie was free, so what’s a few hours? We ended up loving the movie and splitting a large popcorn and drink.

Today? We went back to watch Call Me By Your Name.

We find ourselves actually watching trailers to movies during the previews and going : “Let’s come back and watch that”. We look forward to our daily movie dates. The best part is that the app is easy to use and every movie we see past the first one, costs us nothing unless we want a soda or snack.

Tomorrow we are going to watch Winchester. The day after? Black Panther.

The movies are our oyster, so to speak.

Additionally, on Valentines Day yesterday evening, their app was bugging out and we couldn’t check into the movies. While that may seem like a bad thing- I tweeted the company pointing out the problem and they responded immediately apologizing for the influx of customers bogging down their servers.
They stated that if we are subscribers (which we are) and we ever have to pay out of pocket for one of our tickets, we can DM them a copy of our ticket/receipt and they will reimburse us.

I don’t know how this company is making their money but good golly, I can’t recommend this app more. I urge you to get it, give it a fair shake for one month, and let me know what you think.

Going daily for a few hours with my husband has totally upped both of our moods, and I hope it does the same for you as well!

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Accountability

Life Update │ January 17th │ Medication

It’s been a while since I have done a personal update. I have been sticking to yoga nearly every single day, and even though the holidays and the food that came with it was setting me back mentally and physically, my doctor reported I still lost three pounds from the last time I weighed in before the holidays.

I wanted to take a second to do an update because I want to publicly let everyone know that my husband and I have finished all the paperwork and licensing to become registered foster parents. Regardless of what you feel about the system, we have a home, with a spare room, that is available for a child in need. We are looking for a child who has had their parents rights terminated due to a bad situation and are wanting to adopt/add to our family. We have the finances and the love in our hearts to take a kiddo into our home. I hope to hear good news from our social worker in the future, and would love to keep you all posted if you let me.

Next, I have been gaming regularly with family and friends, which has totally helped my mental state feel a lot less destructive. Added on to that, my doctor has bumped up my medication to 200mg a day of Zoloft. While medicine/pills may not be the answer for everyone, I can say that it has helped me overcome so much in my life. I haven’t had to experience those suicidal thoughts since getting into therapy and treated with medication. This treatment allows me to improve myself physically, mentally, and feeling comfortable in pursuing a family of our own.

I cannot stress enough how suicidal thoughts are not okay. It is not okay for you to have to go through something like that, and you need to know that you are not alone. I urge you to get the help you need, whether it’s reaching out to me over the internet, or to a suicide hotline, or to seek therapy.
Mental illness is a real and damaging situation to go through, and again: You Matter, so please get the help you need.

Posted in Anxiety, Dead By Daylight, Depression, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

When Mental Struggles Affect Weight

Hey there everyone, I am happy to let you know that things have gotten substantially better.
I have communicated with my husband about my mental illness. I have sought out help from professionals, and between a combination of therapy and medication, I have been able to once again feel like a productive person.

I no longer feel like I am a waste of space, or that the air I breathe is being wasted.

Also, we were approved as foster parents and have officially been licensed and our home is now recognized as a “Foster Care Facility”. Our social worker has done extensive interviews, and we have done intense training to ensure that not only am I prepared to have kids, but that we offer some kiddo a safe place. Our intention is to adopt a child in need, take them in, and give them the parenting we wish we received as children.


All of that stated, I am coming to the main update of my personal blog. My weight.

I started this health journey a few months ago and have struggled to find the will to work out, diet right, and firmly believe that the lack of energy I had to even get out of bed due to depression caused a lot of my health problems in regards to weight. I had originally started to realize I had a problem mentally when I hit 399lbs. A scary number that I never in my life thought I would get to.

Just I hopped on the scale yesterday and am happy to report that I have lost 42lbs, putting me at a current weight of 357lbs.

Now, for those interested, here is what I did.

1) I had to get myself in a better mental space. Every time I tried working out or dieting, my brain would look for reasons for me to fail. My depression would take over and drive me down into self doubt and loathing that I’d never thought possible. I got a hold of my doctor, received therapy, and have been prescribed Zoloft. I cannot urge you enough to get a hold of a doctor. Take mental illness seriously. Do not let yourself or others come up with some sort of excuse like “it’s all in my head” or “I can’t afford this”. At the end of the day you need to make yourself mentally capable. Mentally sound. Mentally fit. I can say with first hand experience that medication CAN work. Even if Zoloft doesn’t work for you, there are many medications out there that can influence mood and combat depression. Keep searching, and get the help you need to start taking care of yourself.


2) Once I was mentally stable enough to not give up on everything I tried doing within a week- Exercise, Diet, College, etc: I focused on my second biggest problem: Diet.

The world Diet itself, used to make me sad and depressed. I mean, it has the word DIE in it.

The biggest thing I can recommend here is that you need to be honest and hold yourself accountable. I know that I can eat an entire large Domino’s pizza by myself. Is that something I am ashamed of? No. I fucking love pizza. What I can say, is that I no longer eat 3 large pizzas a week. I order pizza no more than twice a month, and I have also started ordering one large pizza, with my limit at a half, while my husband can eat the other half or save some for his lunch at work the next day. In short, DON’T cut things that you love to eat out of your life. Cut it back, dial it down, but do not remove it. It will completely destroy your desire to diet and lose weight. You know what I am talking about. You tell yourself, “Just one Girl Scout Cookie,” and then the next thing you know, the whole box is gone because you didn’t just take one cookie and put the box up, instead you took the box with you to the couch and you’re hating yourself for being a pig.

The next thing I had to admit to myself about dieting is that I hate prepping meals for the week. While that works for other people, I CANNOT sit there, cook for an hour or so, and then spend my week eating cold as hell meals that had to be reheated in the microwave or oven. I get completely annoyed and disgusted. Maybe I don’t want the same thing every night, or maybe I simply changed my mind last minute because something else looked better, or I wanted to get something from the store because I was feeling creative in the kitchen.

To combat this:

I started buying food I knew I loved. I love fried chicken. I love Pork Chops. I love Steak. I love Beef.

So what did I do for chicken? I buy a pack of bone in chicken legs at our local grocery store, separate them into meal portions for my husband and I (2 legs each) and stick them into the freezer portioned. From there, if my husband or I feel like chicken for dinner, I will grab a portioned package from the freezer and toss it into the fridge to thaw for the next dinner.

For pork chops, if they are thicker, we do the same thing but one each and if it is a thinner chop we do 2 a piece. Same for steaks.

For the ground beef, we separate into medium sized rolls in different Ziploc bags for the freezer. The reasoning for that, is that we also pair a portioned package of ground beef with one or two bags of frozen stir fry vegetables from the store. Then we take 1 cup of brown rice (uncooked), and cook it. We mix all three ingredients to make a tasty stir fry.

Generally for vegetables we can get a bag of salad from the store or heat a frozen bag to be a side for other meats.

For out starch, we love potatoes and we love brown rice. The rice is pretty straight forward in how to prepare and can taste different depending on soy sauce or different seasoning (which goes for anything we cook really), but the potatoes are where we have a little fun. We can choose to mash them, cube them and bake them, thin slices and add cheese for au gratin, or make french fries in our deep fryer. We could even grate them for hash browns if we are feeling up to it.

That makes up most of our dinners, which can vary greatly depending on what we use or what seasonings we choose. I mean, tonight we made burgers.

The difference between my diet previously (3 large pizzas a week, taco bell, wendys, etc) and now is completely different. I mean, we still have one or two nights a week where we treat ourselves out, but most nights we get to spend together at our kitchen table, talking about our day.


3) Exercise.

I fucking hate exercise.

I don’t know about you, but I severely hate exercising in public. I get self conscious and start worrying about what my body looks like to others rather than doing the very best I can to get the most efficient work out. So while I still pay for a membership, I keep facing that personal fear every single time I considered heading to the gym. I then make the excuse that it is too much work for me to get showered and dressed for only a 30 minute workout and a drive all the way across town.

From there I decided that I would do T25 at home. The problem with that, is that in order to do T25 or other home workout videos, I have to again get myself mentally prepared to do it because exercise fucking sucks. It’s not the most fun thing to do, to turn on your television, pop in the disc, and listen to some super buff or fit person reminding you how overweight you are. Don’t get me wrong, T25 does have Sean T, and he is really nice about it, but it gets rather annoying that a skinny person constantly tells you something isn’t hard when you are carrying 200lbs more than them, and feel every step/jump you do much harder because of it.

So, I decided to be honest with myself and find something I have always wanted to do, but never really went for, because of my depression and insecurities. I started doing yoga. It’s low impact, which is a must because of my snapped knee ligament in my right knee. Also, I can get a great work out from doing 30 second poses that are designed for beginners. I’ve been doing it for a while and have doubled my pose holding time from 30 seconds to a minute, and am doing a total of 36 poses. I am starting to get strength in my legs, and feel less wobbly every day that I do it. The best thing about doing Yoga? My husband has found that he rather enjoys it because he chose to join in on a whim. He went and bought a yoga mat and we do Yoga together every day when he gets off of work. While he is much skinnier than me, he is nowhere near as flexible, so it is rather funny to see him struggle getting into positions and poses that I find relatively easy, which also makes me feel better about exercising.


In summary, you need to take care of your mind before you can focus on your body. The biggest thing you can do in regards to that is be honest. Be honest that mental illness is a real thing and that it is kicking your ass. Once you get your mental space fixed or on track, you need to be honest with yourself and address your eating habits and make baby steps to change them for the better. Finally, you have to be honest with yourself in order to find an exercise routine that makes you feel better and refreshed afterwards.


Thanks for letting me rant to you about my personal update. I still play video games and have recently started a YouTube channel where I post almost daily, videos of myself and my family playing games that we love together on the PS4 and computer. Feel free to subscribe here or there in order to keep connected.


That Mental Fight

-Aerick Kerrick / Blaine Frazier

YouTube Channel


Posted in Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

Stomachs Better- Prepare for T25!

My stomach finally feels like it isn’t trying to kill me. My body has finally passed the phase where that burger of death was causing me to be so gosh darn sick.

So what am I going to do? 

Today I’m getting in my car and driving to local camping spots with my mother. I’m gonna help her find a few spots so hopefully we find something we like for when we go on the 19th and 20th 🙂

Something with a decent amount of privacy, access to a swimming hole, and that you don’t easily hear the highway right around the corner.

Tomorrow I start back T25. From there I’ll be staying away from any and all food that isn’t made from my own kitchen.

There is no way I’m allowing myself to get that sick again. Just the thought of a burger makes me want to run towards the bathroom and puke up everything I have.
So for now, Good Morning, and I hope you’re having a fantastic day!

Posted in Anxiety, Failed to Exercise, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

McDonalds Food Poisoning and New Homeowner Questions

So as an update: (possibly gross TMI- you’ve been warned)

I decided to get McDonald’s the other night, a double cheeseburger fries and a coke. A “treat,” I told myself, for adulting so well and being on top of bills/exercise.
I then spent the next two days constantly running to the bathroom to explode and be sick out of both ends. Getting very little sleep with my stomach in knots, as my body rejected that meal and punished me for two days.
My husband believes that it’s because I haven’t eaten fast food in forever, and have been eating healthy foods regularly, my mother thinks it was food poisoning.
Regardless- it was an event in my life that has officially killed any burger joints for me. The thought of them makes me sick.

I got so dizzy, I literally passed out on the bathroom floor at 430 in the morning.

Never. I’m never. Eating that crap again.

Needless to say I haven’t done T25, and I’ll be picking up on Monday when my body is not trying to kill me.

Which brings me to my second half of this post

Homeowners- I have a few questions if you’d care to lay down some wisdom.
When does paying your mortgage become less of a burden?

When do mortgage insurance premiums go away?

When did you first refinance your home and why?
We aren’t behind by any means but if just the MIP (over $200 a month) were out of the way, we’d be able to consider building an actual family.
Any insight/advice you have to preemptively help us would be appreciated.

Posted in Husband's Motivation, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

*Outside* 400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, “Day 5”

The old me wouldn’t have considered going hiking. The old me would’ve been much happier to sit at home with a box of donuts and veg while playing video games. To sit in the dark man cave that is our house behind black out curtains so there was no glare on our computer screens.

Today, the new me struck through. The new me grabbed my cellphone and my Husband, to go down south and go hiking. 

As in: actual walking and jogging up and down mountain trails.

We walked and jogged so high, that I got so proud of myself and took a picture for me to remember that moment. Of what it felt like to be different. Granted, it was hard work, I was hitching a quarter of the way and gasping for air the other three quarters, but I did it. I overcamethe pain in my right knee where I snapped my ligament over my kneecap just 1 year ago.

I spent quality time with my husband hiking, while hatching some eggs in Pokemon Go.

It’s a milestone for me personally. Although it wasn’t T25’s originally planned exercise, calisthenics has nothing on what it felt like pushing my fat ass up the mountainside.
It. Was. Glorious.

I only wish the picture did it justice.

Posted in Anxiety, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs- Weight Loss Journey, Day 4

An intervals.

I feel as though you should actually have abs, or have ever had abs in order to do this workout. An important note: neither apply to me. I’m not athletic, I’m just an ordinary extremely overweight man.
All of that being said, Ab Intervals sucks ass. Not in the sense that it was a bad work out, but the sense that it is the most intense experience I’ve ever had. The moves that you have to hold feel like you are holding them for an eternity. During the whole work out you have Sean trying to keep his happy athletic face churning out words of motivation. I don’t know about the rest of You, but all that does is make me want to sit on his face. Especially when he says “Get it Done,” like it’s just THAT simple.

Add on to that, my body is already sore from the previous days, and mentally my brain is arguing with my body. They are constantly debating about whether or not I can do any of the moves or hold them in place. Tanya is my best friend in this workout. I’m 100% positive that if she wasn’t modifying the program for those of us that lack a better health, I’d have given up on day 1.
It frazzled my brain so much that I forgot to take my picture. But I’m just happy that I was able to force myself to do it. My workout buddy wasn’t able to make it to my house today, but she promised to send her sweaty selfie as proof. Hopefully she can meet up with me on Sunday to finish this week strong.

Bring on the final day and the start of week two!

Posted in Anxiety, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, Day 3 Caught up

Earlier today I told myself I’d just make up the missed day this Saturday and Sunday. 

I was sitting there in my computer chair, saw how beautiful it was outside and decided I was going to make up that damn Total Body Circuit and get my ass on track.

How can I say I want to make a change in my life if I’m just going to make excuses? I’m tired of the pity game. I’m tired of giving up. 
I know I’ve said this before but I’m serious. I NEED to change. I can feel my body urging me to get healthy.
So I dug deep. I got it done. I’m a sweaty mess, and the last three minutes of Total Body Circuit had me crying like a baby. I had a panic attack afterwards where I felt like I was doing nothing but crying while gasping for breath, and it took me to a sad place- but then I realized I did it.

I fucking did it.

I know I’ll make a difference in my life because I WANT this. I. 

Nobody is telling me to work out, I’m not just following others this time. I’m doing it. Me.

And here’s the death matt with my sweaty chubby face to prove it.

Posted in Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lbs – Weight Loss Journey, Day 3

I can lie and say it was easy. I can lie and say I was motivated to get today’s workout accomplished, but I wasn’t.

I procrastinated, and when my sister called and told me she needed to cancel on today in order to help a friend move, I was more than happy to tell her “ok!”. Then I thought about coming here and letting everyone know about how I let myself  skip another workout. I had already received such nice words from people I hadn’t even know, and the thought that I was going to tell them I had essentially failed to get another one done  got stuck in my brain.

I decided to pop in the disc and get started on the days workouts. Speed 1.0

I started decently strong, but by the time I heard Sean T say there were 10 minutes left, my mood changed entirely. I started to slack and get sluggish, my body was exhausted, and sweat was pouring down my face. I was gasping for air, and then I started to talk to myself like a crazy person. Repeatedly telling myself to keep my arms up, to bring the knees higher, to touch fingers under the crossword.

I found myself cursing Sean and telling him to Fuck Off a few times. It got to the point where I was cursing at my TV whenever he would talk because his voice was grating my brain. I just close my eyes, cursing him and motivating myself through it the best I could and before I knew it we were on the downward dog at the very end. It was done. While I can’t make myself get caught up today because I am physically exhausted, I am going to keep myself accountable. This Saturday – I will make up the missed day for the week and I will not fail at this program.
With our without my sister here, I will complete it. I will get it done. I will Focus.

Although it’s only 25 minutes a day, I highly recommend others try it and see how it makes you feel as though you’ve been plowed into by a 16 wheeler.
It sucks, but I got my daily selfie to prove it. I can do it, even though I can barely keep up with Tanya.
I can get stronger. I can beat this. I can fight my weight and make myself comfortable in my own skin again.

Bring on tomorrow and Ab Intervals.

Posted in Anxiety, Depression, Personal Accountability, Weight Loss Journey

400lb Man Does Calisthenics, T25 – Day 1 – Cardio

It starts off great.

Basically, you pop in the disc and watch as an extremely fit and attractive man smiles and talks you through the movements.

There is a woman to the right on the screen, and her name is Tanya. Tanya is your friend. Tanya does the modified version of the workout. Be like Tanya.

Initially I didn’t think I’d need Tanya’s assistance, but Sean T quickly proved me wrong as every minute went by- the workout ramped up. He called it “building the progression,” I called it “unfair and torture.” I was expecting some sort of beginners disc, or a learning the ropes easy day.

Before I knew it the movement changed and I’m learning a new set, trying to copy what Tanya is doing, and then I hear the group on the tv start cheering as Sean says “we’re going to the burnout.” Basically he takes the hardest set of each move you learned and crunches them together in quick repetition.

He was a monster. An evil, smiling monster. I quickly found solace in mimicking Tanya, sweat pouring down my face, breathing heavily, and praying to myself in repeated whispers, telling myself I could do this.

Before I knew It, we had already done 20 minutes of the workout from hell. I was apparently gasping for breath because my workout buddy was constantly reminding me to breath, and not give in to the panic that she has clearly seen upon my face.

I remember closing my eyes the last thirty seconds, pushing my body- No, willing it to move in tune with Tanya, to finish the workout strong. The second Sean called time, my sister wanted a high five. I clapped a high five, resisting the urge to throw up my morning coffee and grabbed a cup of water as she did the “cooldown” which is essentially 5 more minutes of agony.
I embraced death on my porch but apparently it didn’t hug me back, and my sister caught this photo of us:

She wants to do the next one tomorrow. All I can say is-

Fuck Sean T.

Fuck T25.

It’s hard.”

However, I’m tired of being this overweight, and I NEED to do the program in order to change.

I have to put in the work. I have to.