The old me wouldn’t have considered going hiking. The old me would’ve been much happier to sit at home with a box of donuts and veg while playing video games. To sit in the dark man cave that is our house behind black out curtains so there was no glare on our computer screens.
Today, the new me struck through. The new me grabbed my cellphone and my Husband, to go down south and go hiking.
As in: actual walking and jogging up and down mountain trails.
We walked and jogged so high, that I got so proud of myself and took a picture for me to remember that moment. Of what it felt like to be different. Granted, it was hard work, I was hitching a quarter of the way and gasping for air the other three quarters, but I did it. I overcamethe pain in my right knee where I snapped my ligament over my kneecap just 1 year ago.
I spent quality time with my husband hiking, while hatching some eggs in Pokemon Go.
It’s a milestone for me personally. Although it wasn’t T25’s originally planned exercise, calisthenics has nothing on what it felt like pushing my fat ass up the mountainside.
It. Was. Glorious.
I only wish the picture did it justice.
Alarm for 7:30 hits, grab the phone and turn it off.
Alarm for 8:30 goes off as well, grab your phone and turn it off. The frustration starts hitting that you’ve already missed the first alarm. So you go deeper into the comfort of the bed and pillows that are so warm and comforting.
Alarm for 9:30 buzzes and your eyes open, with the realization you’re still in bed.
You’ve wasted hours just trying to get up. You’ve been wasteful. You are wasteful. You’re disgusting. You let yourself get down, wallowed in your sadness and anger, and done nothing to change it.
I grabbed my phone, and opened up facebook and found an image that my husband had shared.
Knowing there are people out there who understand makes it easier. Having a husband that understands makes it easier. Just not being alone during your struggle makes it easier.
This isn’t something that I should just assume I’ll be better through motivation, but something I can work towards overcoming.
It’s the little things that can make you get out if bed.
To start your day.
To just: Function.
Recently I talked to my husband about how I was starting to feel lost.
It’s like your brain is swimming in a deep fog and you can’t find a way onto something tangible. Something that you can step up and rise out of.
I informed him that some mornings just seem so daunting. The mere thought of standing makes me want to curl up in a ball. To shrivel and cry.
I know that’s not right. I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I expected him to talk me down.
Instead, he just laid down on the bed behind me. Put his arms around me and said that I should “just Burrito”.
It was such a random statement that I immediately laughed at him, confused as to what he meant.
He told me that a while back, he saw something on facebook, where a person said all they wanted to do is be a burrito. Roll up in a blanket and feel warm and comfortable.
I thought he was being silly. However, as I got out of the bed for a mere two hours to hang out with him, I went back into the bedroom, laid out our blankets across the bed upside down, and rolled myself into a burrito.
It was odd. It was comfortable. I had laid in a tightly wound roll of blankets and self. I watched The Giver on Netflix.
I woke up to this text message:
Some days I feel just so gosh damn lucky to have found someone. Someone who checks in. Someone who puts up with my crazy, and is genuinely concerned/loving and checks in on me.
This morning was easier. This text message made it easier. It’s a little thing, but it got me going one step at a time this morning.
Going to make a cup of coffee. Then I’ll make another goal after that.